Hello AW2,

I have a question, since my event in the Army three years ago I sometimes experience irritability linked with anger, at times my wife bares the brunt of this anger.

Normally I have these issues under control, but am sometimes surprised by my own actions.

How long does it normally take for acceptance of your “new lifestyle” and who can you talk to about it, as many would not understand.

Back almost 20 years ago, I quit drinking, doing the AA thing. One of the things I learned was that I couldn't control my feelings, but I could control my behavior. That tied into a lot of other things I'd read and learned over the years and I believe it's still true. Living with change from what you were to what you're becoming is really challenging; you get to choose how to respond. One of the best books I ever read on behavior was "Frogs into Princes" which is sort of the bible of neurolinguistic programming. Normal is not a state; it's a range of behaviors, a range of acceptable deviancy. As a First Sergeant for almost 10 years, I had one range of behaviors; as a HR Manager for a Fortune 100 company, the range of acceptable/"normal behaviors" is a lot narrower.

I'd find a Vets Center if possible. I was fortunate enough at one point to find an Executive Coach who had been a Platoon Sergeant in the Rangers. Randy was a big help but a lot of what he did was to challenge me intellectually. First of all, there's nothing wrong with getting angry; what's wrong is to show it and do it in a dysfunctional way. If you're not getting the response you need from your actions, do something different. One definition of insanity, of course, is to keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result. 

You might consider starting a blog. I write for one and use it to vent about things that get to me; I also post a lot of cartoons I like and a lot of music. Even if no one reads it except my blogging partners, I've got the benefit of getting my thoughts out there. (AW2 offers that ability for free as does http://forums.w3oc.com/index.php.) Journalling can also help a lot; the idea is to get the crap in your head out someplace where it can't hurt you. Or others. Frustration is normal; fear is normal; anger is normal. These are feelings -- by your regimental crest, I'm guessing you already know a lot of this. You just need to hear it again and apply it. One step, one minute at a time. It does get easier. 

If you have no luck with a Vets Center, look for a support group for cops and firefighters as well as soldiers. We share a lot. Finally, continue to reach out like you did today. That takes courage; the courage to look at yourself and wonder how to change is really the first step. I'll be happy to stay in touch and will send my contact info along.

 First it gets real, then it gets strange, then it gets different.

Warm regards,

Mike Farrell
 

Hi, 

I understand those feelings of frustration and anger that you have with yourself.  I have acknowledged my new physical limitations, but I am still working on accepting them and this has been the hardest part.   I understand that frustration and at times it gets directed towards my wife and children because they happen to be close.  For me, I recognized this was wrong because they are my biggest supporters.   I went to get counseling to help deal with the grieving of the loss of my physical and mental functioning and it has been a tremendous help.

For me... the feelings of frustration and anger could be summed up in one word - "shame".  I was ashamed of feeling that I was less of a husband, father and provider for my family than I was before my injury.  I'm learning how to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.  I know things could be much worse than they are because I still get to wake up every day to see my wife and children and for that I am grateful.

I'm not like I was before and that is ok.  My version of normal has just shifted.  Does that mean everything is ok?  No.  Do I still struggle daily?  Yes.   Does it bother me that I can't do all the projects around the house like my wife wants?  Yes.

I hear in your message that you are still struggling and you recognize it.  I think it's great that you recognize you are having problems.  I think you should take the next step and go talk to someone to get help (TRICARE or VA).   If you are still struggling to accept your condition, then maybe some type of counseling that is grief based.  This is what I am doing since the loss of my body functions is considered a secondary loss.  For me, I've liked the group counseling because you get to meet and talk with other people that are dealing with the same issues.  It helps to know that you are not the only "dysfunctional" person out there and it has helped me open up to discuss issued much more than if I was doing one to one counseling.  ( Like responding to your message. )

Good luck to you,

Tim

Thank's for your responses guys, it is good to know we are not alone in our struggles. 

It still feels good to be in touch with Soldiers (I have found myself missing), in having served over twenty years.

PS: You guys are good counselors, and have encouraged me to continue to reach out to others in transparency.

God bless you, SSG Dell USA (Ret)